Human Like.

Solange- Weary

A few months ago, I realized that I was real. A real human. Living a real life. Breathing to live. Willing to live. A personality that I’ve shaped and call my own. A career that I drastically need to change. The weight of adulthood.

I was driving as the speed of lightening while my existence watched from the backseat pressing the brakes begging for me to stop for just a minute and reflect on myself as a human being and not like the spaghetti junction of highways that lead to nowhere but somewhere simultaneously.

I had been accustomed to just going with the flow of life and not really soaking in what it meant to be alive. Taking in the reality of this is my life, and I have to make the decisions. I had to make a decision recently that almost took me over completely. It felt like I my body shut down and my brain forgot that it was in charge. My brain chemistry seemed to alternate. Reacting out of fear and survival.

The way that the body reacts to shock is unwavering. It was like I could feel death and life balancing in the palm of my hand my hands. Which is a little dramatic but to say the least its the best way to describe it.

The shock value of your mind finally catching up to events that occurred two hours ago is perplexing. The word for it is innominate. It’s like your mind is unconsciously high on a rush that seems peculiar. Makes you believe that you are maybe the slightest bit of insane. Your reactions seem fake. You don’t possess the control to exude the true emotion. This adrenaline. The pupils forcefully dilated. You’re on an emotional rollercoaster, and the attendants are refusing to let you off. You’re approaching the very top of the tallest roller coaster awaiting for your stomach to drop to the lowest pits of hell.

But, then time passes by for a few hours or even a couple of days and then the inevitable hits you like a dump truck. The gut wrenching pain and sorrow. The skipping of heartbeats. The shortness of breath. The inability to think. Pressure that squeezes your head so tight that makes you believe that your brain is about to pop. Impossibility to fathom what your brain took too long to process. Sending you into this downward spiral of inconceivable emotions. The intensity fills your chest until you are overcome with discomfort. You can no longer rely on the facade of believing that you are ok.

Suddenly your body releases the tension of pent up emotions from before and the gates forcefully open and release a sea of despair. You can’t do anything but cry out to the heavens and ask God “Why?” Why this pain? Why this grief? Why this anger? Why?!?!?!?! It’s like your body lost control of its functions and ignored the abilities to stop it all.

The realization that you are a just a person having a human like experience is horrifying. You think about all of the choices made that led you to where you are today. The opportunities you passed up. The day you chose to go left instead of right. The day you sunk down instead of rising up. Each moment of your life rushes through you and reminds you that this is only borrowed time. You live in this vessel to experience. Experience love, pain, hardship, success, pleasure and anything else that any human may or may not desire. You must prioritize creating a learning life experience designed for you. You live to die. You live to be possibly forgotten. But most importantly, you have to choose to live.

What is your one charge that you are taking to be in control of your life?